before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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