I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
