Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my shit smells like andre
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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