get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
