Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
