got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
