My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
