I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
