Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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