Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
