dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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