Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
