so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
