ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
