I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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