my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
