i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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