my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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