Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
