If that was your dad, he is hot
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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