Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
