I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
