my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
