I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
soo... how was my night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
