May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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