If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
