I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
