That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
