Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
