There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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