I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
