the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
