Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
