I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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