What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
