I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
