in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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