Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
