Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
