why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
