if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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