you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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