he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
