I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
