I wish I could teleport
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Randomize
