So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
