You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
