Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
