He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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