so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
