I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
