First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
