If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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