just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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